Housework Is Not a Love Language

Like many, I’ve done the love language test, probably a few times. I recall my results were ‘Words of Affirmation’ and ‘Quality Time’. I recollect my partner’s were ‘Acts of Service’ and ‘Physical Touch’. And after nearly 29 years together, these assigned categories resonate for sure.

Without going too deep into the reasons for each accurate diagnosis, I can confirm that for me, I need reassurance on the regular that I’m valued, and I like to do planned activities with intention. As such, I feel my strengths (which I undoubtedly lead with when demonstrating love towards my partner) are strong communication and great organisation and planning skills.

My partner on the other hand – he is a cradle Catholic (a term once afforded to him by a Catholic priest) – he lives his life in service to many far and wide within our whānau and hapori. Oh, and he can sleep spooning whilst I’m searching for the cool spot in the bed.

Out of the blue recently, my daughter asked me whether my partner (her dad) had ever bought me flowers or random gifts – as a romantic gesture and just to say “I love you”. When I answered no (and now at the risk of outing him to perhaps the judgement of others), I quickly backed that up with “But gifts are not my love language”. I continued and said, “I would much prefer to come home to a clean house than receive a bunch of flowers”. Over the years, I’ve become attuned to Acts of Service as how my partner communicates love – I may have even coined a term ‘Chore-play’.

Her view as a 26-year-old Gen Z “That’s just sad Mum – expecting a clean house should be standard in a partnership based on equality, not counted as an act of love”.

I explained my views on why housework felt more important than romantic gestures by reminding her about what I saw growing up – where Mum did all of the housework on top of working fulltime and raising us kids (as were the times in many kiwi households). When I told her about the relationship dynamics I grew up witnessing, she said something that stopped me in my tracks: “You can't let that hold you back from wanting more”.

The kōrero with my daughter stirred up quite a few emotions which, in turn, formed the whakaaro behind this blog.

The truth is, I'd figured out what love means to me long before I ever heard of love languages. Reaching almost 30 years with the same person, you get pretty clear about what actually matters. I’ve found words to articulate what I believe I need and desire from my partner, and what I believe I too, owe him in return.

So, here’s the love languages that I think are absolutely essential (as opposed to preferred) – as told by Elena….

• Acceptance – Love them for who they are right now, not who you think they could become. The whole package, not just the parts that suit you.

• Respect – Honour their choices, their timeline, their way of being in the world – even when it's different from yours.

• Support – Be their biggest advocate, both in private and in public. Help them become their best self, not your version of their best self.

I can hand on heart say – this is all I want from my partner. And therefore, this is also what I must give in return. And yet, I struggle with each of these three love languages on the daily.

I too often expect change from my partner, stuck in my own self-righteousness and not willing to see his view of world. I have disrespected him in our home and in public more times than I can count – eye rolls during his stories, cutting him off mid-sentence, making jokes at his expense when I'm feeling superior about whatever breakthrough I've just had. And I haven't always supported his choices – questioning his decisions because I think my way is better, staying silent when he needs backup because I'm too busy judging his approach.

It feels horrific to admit this. The hardest part? I know exactly what I'm doing while I'm doing it. I can feel myself withholding acceptance, respect, or support – usually because I've decided he should be further along in his own journey.

But knowing better doesn't always translate to doing better. Especially when you’re busy projecting and excusing your behaviour because you feel your needs are not being met.

So, are these love languages achievable? Or will they remain the words we reach for during fights, hoping this time we'll mean them enough to change?

I really don’t know. I just feel that deep within my soul, this is what I need and deserve, and therefore what I must be willing to give. With our 29-year anniversary approaching in December, we know we are a work in progress.

But the bigger question that all this thinking has revealed for me is, what are he and I passing onto our kids as examples of love languages. If I use my parents’ generation as the baseline, to assess and then give us a ‘pass’ rating on how we are going as a couple – then should my expectations for my kids be that they do one or two levels better?

My daughter called me out on accepting housework as love. What does that tell me about what I’m unconsciously teaching my kids about relationships? Am I modelling acceptance, respect, and support for them – or am I modelling "be grateful for the bare minimum"?

What intergenerational cycles am I trying to heal myself from? How do I want my kids to love and be loved differently than what they've witnessed?

Perhaps the best way for me to answer these questions, is to write a letter to my daughter. She is yet to find her one, so perhaps it’s perfect timing. Here's what I want her to know about love, written as clearly as I can manage:

Kia koe e te tau,

You are beautiful, kind, smart, funny, warm, generous, and real. You deserve someone who truly sees what is deep inside you, and that loves you for being you.

You should never feel like you need to change who you are, to make someone else happy. You need to know that beyond doubt, you are powerful, and that the walls which keep you safe and keep you ‘you’ are solid. Your partner needs to help you hold those walls up, and in fact, they should reinforce these against the things that try to pull them down (work, your tamariki, obligations, guilt, worry, anxieties).

Your partner will be excited to turn up as your biggest cheerleader. You’ll overhear them in social settings talking about the amazing project you’re leading at mahi, or the next crazy thing you’re doing, because they are genuinely inspired by your motivation and drive.

They come to watch you play sport, or do HyRox, or come to try out a weird pilates class at your new gym. They love learning te reo Māori alongside you, because they know how important the language reclamation journey is to our whānau.

And because this is how he shows up for you, you also show up for him in those same ways. You see him for who he is, and you are so intrigued and inspired to grow an understanding about him at its deepest level. You bring out the most vulnerable and purest layers within him.

You talk him up in authentic ways, building him up when he needs it. You defend him when you hear others try to bring him down.

Because you have spent time understanding each other’s values, when he makes decisions, you back them – all the way. You enjoy watching them play their sports, go along to activities they enjoy, and listen intently and with genuine interest when they talk about the things that make their eyes sparkle.

This is all I want and wish for you my girl, because, you are worth it. You deserve the best, and nothing less.

Maybe these are real love languages we need to master - Courage to want better for the ones who come after us, and Compassion for ourselves as we figure it out.